We are moving towards the Christmas week and once again I find myself questioning whether there is a God. If there is a God, why does it seem as if some people are singled out to suffer more than others?
At this time of celebration, I am finding it stressful to keep my chin up, to keep smiling, to be happy for others.
I have watched my husband go grey before my eyes with the burden that he has been carrying for more than a year now. Of course, this carries over into our family life. I have watched my daughter try to find her way back into studying, something that used to come easily but is now such a struggle. I have watched my mother battling heart failure and spending too much time in hospital this year. I myself have been struggling to come to terms with doing contract work.
I am the one who reassures everyone that everything will turn out fine. We just have to be positive and to keep believing. I provide encouragement, support and constructive advice. What is missing is that I don’t have someone by my side to do the same for me. So I have to tell myself the same story. Stay positive. Be grateful for what you have. This too shall pass. Everything will be alright.
It’s hard. And it’s exhausting. I looked at my husband tonight and he is exhausted. But he won’t give up. He wants to see this thing through to the end. And although I have told him that I have had enough, I cannot stand by and watch him try to do this by himself. My daughter has not got the exam results that we were all praying for. I have seen how hard she has worked. But the hard work has not paid off. This used to be easy for her. Girls who struggled at school are sailing past her. I told her tonight that one bad mark does not define her. But in truth, it can change the entire trajectory of her life. And so I have to be there for her. To help her to keep her self esteem intact. And I have to be there for my mother even while she is in a midcare retirement home. And of course, I have to remember to be there for me too.
I am beginning to hate the end of the year. It never used to be like this. It shouldn’t be like this. Where is the happiness that we have all been striving for? That we all deserve. I think that you can hear the tiredness that I am feeling.
And I know that we are not the worst off. One of my daughter’s friends took his own life a couple of weeks ago. He was an only child. The church overflowed with all the family and friends. And yet he felt unloved and alone. I cannot begin to imagine how his parents are feeling. When I remember people who are worse off, I feel both grateful and bad at the same time. And this gives me the strength to remain resolute and to carry on.
I am hoping that there is a God who is listening to my prayers. Because whether there is a God or not, I still pray. And I hope that my prayers are not in vain.
Until next time ☕️
PS. Someone sent me a quote that illustrates the meaning of resolute this morning. It was just what I needed to hear. It said:
Try again. Fail again.
Try again. Fail better